“The Boy With an Arse for a Face”

Just caught this skit on “The Mitchell and Webb Look,” BBC America. Said to myself: “This has got to be on YouTube.”

It was.

The Quest for the Odorless Fart

There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter has liposuction, which turns him into a beautiful person. In short order, he is invited to join an exclusive club for beautiful people, and on the inaugural tour of the facilities his host hands him a bottle of pills: “Here, take these – they’ll make your bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.”

Ben Franklin addressed this speculative idea over two centuries ago – that flatus (farts) might someday be rendered innocuous by taking some manner of drug or substance:

My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

From Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, edited by Carl Japikse.

Well, such a product has arrived. Misanthrope and skeptic that I am, I am inclined to doubt its efficacy sight unseen waft unsmelled, but this new product called Whiff!, pushed (yes, that’s the right word) at a website with the evocative name takeawhiff.com claims that their product will render your poop and farts odorless (except in the case of avid meat-eaters, in which case the original essence of the miasma will remain, merely diminished in potency).

Medicinal Butt Gas

Stink bomb gas to give stroke victims new hope

Scientists use hydrogen sulphide to put patients into ‘suspended animation’

The Guardian, UK–The gas that provides millions of schoolchildren with hours of fun and gives stink bombs their revolting smell could soon provide doctors with new treatments for conditions ranging from strokes to chronic arthritis.

Some researchers are even trying to use hydrogen sulphide – the source of rotten eggs’ [and, in part, farts’] unpleasant odour – to put patients with strokes or serious injuries into a form of suspended animation to help them survive severe traumas. This research is now being backed by the US military, who believe it could help their surgeons cope with injuries suffered by soldiers in battle.

Read more

Note: The Hong Kong Customs & Excise Dept. has deemed the above pictured prank toy, still on sale through various outlets, to be unsafe, giving off a quantity of Hydrogen Sulfide that may pose a health risk to young children. Which brings us back to the old adage that every potential medicine is also a potential poison, when used improperly.

Chronic Flatulence? Get the GasBGon® Seat Cushion

Whether you’re on the sending or the receiving end of the “pause that refreshes/repulses,” Dairiair LLC makes a line of products that dampen the smell, or both the sound and the smell. One of their products which seems particularly useful in this respect – and which I think may catch on – is the “GasBGon Seat Cushion.” Retailing at $24.95 U.S., and offered in a variety of designs subsumed under the themes of sport (“Tush Down Sport Series”), gambling, (“Holdem Big Slick Chillin’ Series”) and the swanky, upscale (“Black Cushion Signature Series”), one of these is a gift that is sure to please not only the recipient, but all those who have to be around him/her.

The GasBGon® flatulence odor control seat cushion is a high performance air filter designed to look and feel like a conventional seat cushion incorporating a sound dampening filter and a proprietary activated carbon odor filter. The seat cushion functions as a powerful passive control device to effectively muffle the sound and adsorb the odor associated with flatulence. Each cushion is complete with a washable zippered cover for filter insertion/replacement, they are lightweight (less than 1 lb) and are nominally 15 inches square and 1 inch thick. Each cushion comes complete with a sound and odor filter and a Tally-Toot card. A downloadable wind instrument award can be provided for those gift giving occasions. Each cushion can accept a second odor filter for those heavy end users and should be purchased separately. Installation by purchaser.

Stinky Jobs

CNN.com/Living has posted a list, via careerbuilder.com, of 20 “offbeat jobs.” Several of these jobs involve stench in one form or another, and therefore interest us here at Things That Stink:

Breath odor evaluator

Job description: Sniff morning breath, coffee-breath, garlic breath, etc. Rate breath. Stinky subject then uses breath freshening product, odor-evaluator sniffs breath again and rates it a second time.

Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker

Job description: Fashion special undies with built in filters to capture various noxious butt-gases (hydrogen sulfide, most notably). Worn by people with gastrointestinal problems.

Dog-breath evaluator

Job description: Sniff dog’s breath in order to evaluate effect of dog’s diet on his chops-stench. Ratings: 1-10 (10 being worst) with additional categories of sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

Porta-potty servicer

Job description: Pretty much self-explanatory. But I betcha they find some nasty shit, both literally and figuratively, inside those stinky little booths.

See the entire list at CNN.com

Toxic Eau de Cow Arse?

A group of Nebraskans, concerned about “the byproducts of livestock operations intruding into their lives,” opposes the idea that hydrogen sulfide (fart gas) and ammonia (piss) emissions from stockyard operations be labeled “non-emergency” and made exempt from EPA reporting requirements. (read the article)

There’s no love lost between myself and the EPA, but I know the stench of fanatical activism (as opposed to activism) when I smell it. What these individuals are objecting to is the smell of the barnyard – something I grew up with, being raised in rural Washington state. What they are asking comes more clearly into focus when we take note of the two “offending” substances:

The gassiest foods

– Legumes: dried beans, lentils, peas, soybeans.

– Vegetables: cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, kohlrabi, brussels sprouts, green pepper, cucumber, onions, leeks, asparagus, artichokes, rutabagas, turnips, radishes.

– Fruits: bananas, apples, pears, peaches, melons, avocados, prunes, raisins

– Whole grains, particularly whole wheat and bran. Rice produces the least intestinal gas of any of the staple grains.

– Soft drinks and fruit juice.

– Milk products: ice cream, off-the-shelf foods containing milk. Can be debilitating to the lactose intolerant. Cultured milk products (e.g., yogurt, kefir, etc.) tend to be less troublesome gaswise, after your body becomes accustomed to them – a person who has just begun using these cultured products may experience bloating and gas from the probiotic action, but this tends to subside over time. Aged cheeses (swiss, parmesan, etc.) tend to also be less troublesome; other cheeses like sandwich Jack (as opposed to aged Jack, which is a hard, grating cheese) or Mozarella, which are not aged, may be “highly problematic” (Phhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrtttt).

– Foods containing the artificial sweeteners sorbitol or mannitol (sorbitol does a real number on me, I have discovered).

Fart Power

I don’t know whether this guy was in a parade, or what. The only thing I can say with reasonable certainty is that the photo is out of the UK (suprise), the giveaway being that “Heinz” brand baked beans are made and sold in Great Britain.

Mr. Methane

Meet “Mr. Methane,” of mrmethane.com, who purports to be the “world’s only performing flatulist.”

Le Petomane – The “Fartiste”

Joseph Pujol’s arse sucked wind, literally. Below is an clip from Le Petomane the movie. If you wish to learn more about the extraordinary life of Joseph Pujol, visit this webpage