Category Archives: Ass-inine

Montreal Carjacker Steals Van Packed with Dirty Diapers

(What a hose-head – ed.)

Via globalsaskatoon.com

Carjacker steals van toting 500 pounds of dirty diapers

It’s one of the most unusual thefts, let alone stinky.

But on Tuesday, diaper delivery truck driver Marc Sabourin was carjacked.

On a break between deliveries, a man wearing a leather jacket and aviator sunglasses approached Sabourin and asked if he was selling something.

“I said, ‘I don’t sell anything, ‘I’m a diaper delivery service.’ Then he jams the car door open and says, ‘Get out’,” Sabourin explained….

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UK Theme Park Cracks Down on B.O.

no_boThorpe Park bans rollercoaster fans from putting hands in air – due to body odour

Thorpe Park is banning visitors from putting their hands in the air while riding its rollercoasters following complaints about body odour….

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My commentary:

This sort of thing would never fly in the United States, where we jealously guard our right to be smelly. I do believe I have a solution for the Brits, however, that will save them from having to post signs, codify the “no raised arms on the coaster” rule, and escort non-compliant individuals off the premises with all the attendant embarassment and hard feelings such militancy doubtless engenders. My solution is quite simple and inexpensive. It’s called:

UNDERARM DEODORANT/ANTIPERSPIRANT EFFECTIVELY PREVENTS PIT-STENCHYes, indeed, quite a few years ago someone came up with an invention. An inexpensive preparation sold at most retail outlets, called “Underarm Antiperspirant/Deodorant.” I have found it to be most effective. For example, I am attending the county fair tomorrow. It will be a hot day, and like most of the men in my family, I tend to perspire heavily. However, I will shower in the morning before I leave, and after the shower, I will apply this miraculous preparation to my underarms, and I positively GUARANTEE, my furry pits will be a sweet as a spring meadow come nightfall.

Y’all across the pond need to get yer heads on straight. No wonder Noel Coward wrote the lines, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun….”

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$22.5 million/year for knocking a piece of cowhide around?

As Sporting News notes today, Manny Ramirez has just reached a deal with the Dodgers: $45 million for two years.

Now consider this: in Trenton, New Jersey, a different Manny – Manny Rivera, the firefighter – was fighting for his life a month ago after sustaining a critical injury while saving the life of a teenager:

http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2009/02/firefighter_battles_lifethreat.html

Now, consider that the median salary of a firefighter with 20 years or more experience, in the U.S., is $62,888:

http://www.payscale.com/research/US/Job=Fire_Fighter/Salary

So $22.5 million for knocking a piece of cowhide around; $62,888 for saving lives and risking one’s own life doing so, on a regular basis. The latter amount is not even 0.5% of the former.

That stinks.

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Lighten up, Army dudes

NC military mom arrives at Fort Benning with kids

Excerpts–

DAVIDSON, N.C. (AP) —A North Carolina woman who was recalled to the Army four years after being honorably army guydischarged drove nearly 400 miles and braved a Southeastern winter storm to report for duty Sunday, with her children by her side….

…Pagan is among thousands of former service members who have left active duty since the Sept. 11 attacks, only to be recalled to service. They’re not in training, they’re not getting a Defense Department salary, but as long as they have time left on their original enlistment contracts, they’re on “individual ready reserve” status — eligible to be recalled at any time.

Pagan filed several appeals, arguing that because her husband travels for business, no one else can take care of her kids. All were rejected, leaving Pagan to choose between deploying to Iraq and abandoning her family, or refusing her orders and potentially facing charges….

…”The Army tries to look at the whole picture and they definitely don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes the family or jeopardizes the children,” O’Donnell  [Army spokesman in St. Louis] said. “At the same time, these are individuals who made obligations and commitments to the country….”

Source

Chill out, you hard-assed groundpounders, says I. You’re making her go through all this shit without any deference to the venerable tradition of motherhood, and even if you should let her off the hook, the fact remains that you screwed with her and her kids, big time. What the fuck is wrong with you? Y’all must have shit for brains. In this case, you and your red tape stink.

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Oooh, that smell…

Karl Marx, when elucidating his theory of communism, wrote that “All social rules and all relations between individuals are eroded by a cash economy; avarice drags Pluto himself out of the bowels of the earth.”  While I would take issue with the absolute quality of this statement, there is absolutely no doubt that money – or the lack thereof – often makes people do strange and seemingly unconsciable things.

The following is a perfect example of this: lacking payment for his services, what did this funeral director do with the body?

Funeral director allegedly leaves corpse in hearse

GADSDEN, Ala. (AP) — A funeral director faces a felony charge after police found a woman’s decomposing body in the back of a hearse. Police said the 76-year-old funeral home owner was charged Tuesday with abusing a corpse. Police said the woman died of natural causes in November 2007 at the age of 52. Relatives said they wanted her remains cremated.

But police said the family never signed papers for a cremation or paid the funeral home. So the owner allegedly put the body in the back of a hearse and parked it on a lot with other old vehicles.

Someone complained about a foul odor, leading officers to discover the decomposing remains.

Source

Okay, I have no patience with this. Retire that old fucker and nominate him to the Hall of Shame.

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Trainspotting Toilet Scene (Caution!)

Some have speculated that the “Mr. Creosote Scene” from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (see below) is the most revolting in 20th century cinema. Having recently seen Trainspotting (1996) for the first time, I have to say it’s a serious contender; I find it far, far more revolting than Mr. Creosote.

Cautions:

  • If you haven’t seen the movie and you’re a fan of Ewan McGregor, you might want to skip this clip.
  • If you’re incapable of clinical detachment, and tend to retch when seeing revolting things, you should probably skip it.
  • If you watch it, and it severely grosses you out or ruins your dinner…well, I warned you.

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A Bloodsucker on the Web

Anyone who’s ever had an abcessed tooth and the resultant root canal knows the misery it can bring. It hurts like hell, and it stinks, both literally and figuratively. A rotten tooth literally stinks of putrefaction and decay, to the core. And paying $1000 for a root canal out of pocket, followed by another $1750 for the crown because you don’t have dental insurance, stinks too.

What stinks even more is when health care specialists go at their profession with the first and foremost goal of getting filthy, stinking rich on you. This stench amplifies when they botch a procedure. Which they do, more often than many people realize.

But what stinks most of all is the maggot who creates a codified system for health professionals, designed to facilitate their rise into the ranks of the rich and leisurely, with virtually no regard to the suffering engendered by the obscenely high cost of health care for young and old alike, in the United States.

Mind you, that’s just my opinion. This guy could be a saint, and I could be the bad guy here. Read it and decide for yourself.

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Skunkweed

Man Arrested for Bank Deposit with Pot Stench

By Dan O’Donnell

If you’re heading to the bank to make a deposit today, make sure your bills don’t smell like weed.

A 21 year-old man from Sturgeon Bay faces possible drug charges after he tried to deposit money that reeked of reefer…

Read the entire article

Skunkweed

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Virtual Toilet Paper

Back in the early days of the Web, I remember a page that specialized in links to “most pointless webpages.” One such page involved an ongoing chronicle of how the appliances in some guy’s house were functioning.

That page was less pointless than this one:

http://www.papertoilet.com/

There is but one function, here – you may roll the toilet paper off the roll (use your mousewheel – it’s faster). Once the roll is gone, a single mouseclick generates a new roll, which you may then also deplete, and so on…

This is what you get when domain names come cheap. Asswipe.

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Starbucks verdict on “smelly sandwiches” suffers backlash

Stinky like a dead dog?A little over a month ago, I made a post entitled “Starbucks corporate analysts: sausage on a roll stinks like a dead dog,” expressing my opinion that their decision to remove the “odoriferous” sandwiches from their menus is “…a bunch of smelly, nouveau-rich, pop-culture mock-elitist bullshit….”

The backlash is here. And it’s doing abysmally, because y’all want smarmy stuff like pumpkin-cream cheese scones with chocolate chips for brekkie, I guess.

Andrew Beaujon of Washington City Paper weighs in on the issue:

You Can Pry My Peppered Bacon, Aged Cheddar, and Egg From My Cold, Dead Hands

Involuntarily, I shouted “NOOOO!” when I read this line in the Times‘ story about Starbucks’ three-hour training session last night:

Lest anyone doubt that Starbucks is serious, employees were reminded that the chain intended to get rid of odoriferous breakfast sandwiches, just so customers can smell the coffee again.

Couldn’t they just get rid of the tea, or the Marcus Samuelsson–inspired baked goods, instead? I’ve got two kids, and sometimes those sandwiches are the only reason I have anything to eat before noon. Oh but wait: The Internet comes to the rescue

Meanwhile, the food critic at the San Diego Union-Tribune asks:

…I’ve endured parched maple scones in L.A., sickly-sweet streusel coffeecake in Chicago and a muffin in the Boston airport that didn’t make it past the first trash can.

What’s with Starbucks’ pastries? How can they be uniformly dry and tasteless in markets across the country? How can a company that prides itself on consistency and quality control of its coffee products be so hopelessly out of the loop with its edibles…?

Read the entire column

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