Tag Archives: poop

On Polishing a Turd

polished-poopIn a recent discussion over at Google+, someone used the metaphorical term “polish a turd.” I sat and thought about that concept over my morning coffee (heaven forbid, but there it is). Then I Googled it. And sure enough, it is possible to make a grogan gleam, to make shit shine, to make dookie dazzle, yea, verily, to impart a luster to a log. But I’m quite sure turd polishing is not going to become an art form anytime soon. However, I could be wrong; this is America.

The inimitable Mythbusters demonstrate, here: http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/mythbusters/videos/polishing-a-turd-minimyth.htm

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A stinky letter

SANFORD, Fla., Nov. 17 (UPI) — Police in Florida said a high school principal received a profane letter in an envelope smeared with feces.

Sanford police Sgt. David Morgenstern said a Seminole High School employee was putting the 6-inch-by-8-inch envelope into Principal Mike Gaudreau’s mailbox when she noticed the foul smell, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Wednesday.

Police said the worker and three or four other school employees who touched the envelope while trying to determine the cause of the odor were placed in quarantine until the Seminole County Fire Department’s Hazardous Materials team identified the substance as excrement.

“We were concerned at first,” Morgenstern said. “You could mask some sort of chemical. We wanted to make sure all the faculty and students were safe.”

Morgenstern said the envelope contained a letter with “colorful language talking about the high school principal.”

The spokesman said police were investigating and the person behind the letter could face a charge of disrupting a school function.

“There are no real charges for sending a poopy letter,” Morgenstern said.

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The Phantom Poop Painter

Long-time readers may recall my Poo Flags idea for dissing people who don’t clean up their dog’s excrement. Since that time, it seems that someone in New York City has come up with an innovative idea for highlighting the pet poopie problem. Dubbed “The Phantom Poop Painter of NYC,” this person hits turds with a splash of fluorescent color where he finds them–

The "art" of the Phantom Poop Painter

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An odious website

I’ll refrain from describing the following site, save for saying that it has mouseover sound-effects, and you should turn your speakers down, lest you get startled out of your seat.

bathroomlife.com

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The Quest for the Odorless Fart

There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter has liposuction, which turns him into a beautiful person. In short order, he is invited to join an exclusive club for beautiful people, and on the inaugural tour of the facilities his host hands him a bottle of pills: “Here, take these – they’ll make your bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.”

Ben Franklin addressed this speculative idea over two centuries ago – that flatus (farts) might someday be rendered innocuous by taking some manner of drug or substance:

My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

From Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, edited by Carl Japikse.

Well, such a product has arrived. Misanthrope and skeptic that I am, I am inclined to doubt its efficacy sight unseen waft unsmelled, but this new product called Whiff!, pushed (yes, that’s the right word) at a website with the evocative name takeawhiff.com claims that their product will render your poop and farts odorless (except in the case of avid meat-eaters, in which case the original essence of the miasma will remain, merely diminished in potency).

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“The Scoop on Poop”

The original (purportedly) poop FAQ. Everything you didn’t want to know about the brown stuff. Bonus: A photo of giant African land-snail poop.

http://www.heptune.com/poop.html

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55 dogs lived and crapped there…

What is it with Florida and the houses filled with excrement? Barely two weeks ago I posted about the house in Tarpon Springs, Florida, steeped in the shit of 196 cats.

This time it’s dogs. 55 of ’em. And a few cats.

Dozens of Dogs Removed From Filthy Duplex

Smells like…OAKLAND PARK, Fla. — Animal control officers said they have rescued dozens of dogs from a feces-filled home in Oakland Park.

Police said they received a call about 11 a.m. Sunday from neighbors complaining about the animals in the 1700 block of Floranada Road. Officers found 55 dogs and a few cats in the home.

Police said a woman who lived in the duplex moved out and asked someone to look after the animals.

Deputies found the dogs and cats living in “filth and squalor along with a noxious stench of animal excrement,” according to a press release.

Animal control officers removed three truckloads of about a dozen dogs early in the afternoon and then returned for the rest, police said.

The case is under investigation. (source)

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Steve Jobs and diaper-changing tables

Steve Jobs’ alleged reply to an e-mail inquiring why there are no diaper-changing tables in Apple’s NYC store:

From: Steve Jobs <sjobs@apple.com>
Date: January 3, 2008 10:33:14 PM EST
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: apple retail store – soho nyc – baby diaper changing table???

There doesn’t seem to be a demand for it, and it usually is accompanied by rather pungent odors.

Steve

(Source)

Right on, Stevie boy. We all know your shit doesn’t stink.

As a quaint, if practically irrelevant aside, my mother’s pet-term for No. 2 when I was a kid was “Doing a job.”

No Babies Here

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Toon

plumbercookie.jpg

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A Crappy Cup of Coffee

From Animalcoffee.com

Shitty Coffee“Treat yourself to the worlds finest coffee with kopi luwak from Animalcoffee; the only source on the internet for authentic premium kopi luwak. Kopi luwak is a unique gourmet coffee that is processed in the stomach of a wild animal, after which it is hand collected from the floor of the Sumatran jungle. Annual global supply is estimated to be in the vicinity of six to seven hundred pounds.”

In short, it’s shit.

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