Quite a few years ago, my ex-wife worked with a young lady whose husband was beset by chronic flatulence. Apparently he had decided to embrace his condition, and so he would brazenly break wind and make rude comments about it, often in the most inappropriate social settings. For example, at my wife’s company picnic as we were eating, seated at picnic tables with various of her co-workers and their families, he would from time-to-time lift an ass-cheek, let one go, and say things like, “Whoa, you’d best get upwind from that one,” or “Smell the crack of the Earth…”
Charmed, I’m sure. I’d never seen anything like it. Despite my fascination with the vulgar, even I know where the line of propriety versus impropriety falls.
After we arrived home that evening, my wife told me that this odoriferous fellow, when at home with his wife, would cut enormous protracted farts beneath the bedclothes in the morning, and then forcibly confine the poor woman’s head underneath the blankets until she could hold her breath no longer.
This is tantamount to abuse to my thinking, but what’s worse is that she was beautiful. I mean, a tall, long-legged country girl descended from German milkmaids, with golden hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a face to lauch a thousand ships.
Sigh. There’s no accounting for taste. I guess there must have been something to love about the guy, despite the affrontery of his overactive butt.
The following article was the catalyst for my calling this stinky, stinky man to mind–
Sex life has gone with husband’s wind
Q: I AND my husband are having big arguments over his disgusting habit of getting into bed every night and then spending 10 minutes breaking wind, stinking out the room.After that, I obviously have no interest whatsoever in having sex with him.
He says it’s natural, but as I have pointed out to him many times, so is going to the lavatory, but no one would dream of doing it in the bed.
We have only been married for six months. He seldom did it when we were just engaged, but he says now we’re married, he wants to be able to relax in his own bed in his own house.
Read the advice columnist’s reply
Public health advertisements which read “What’s up your butt?” and feature people with pained expressions on their faces, will not grace billboards in Benton and Franklin counties after all. It’s probably for the best: I know that the sight of someone grimacing because the doc is plumbing their back-passage doesn’t exactly inspire me to head down to the clinic to get my keester probed. Might as well have them biting down on a pencil.
Things That Stink 