This Coke Smells Like Crap

Snorting coke is very glamorous.

A Boston woman was arrested recently at Logan International Airport as she attempted to smuggle cocaine, packed in a bag of dirty diapers,  into the U.S.  She claims that she did not know what she was transporting, but that she owed aman in the Dominican Republic money, and this is how she was paying off her debt

The drugs were discovered when other passengers complained about a putrid smell emanating from a particular piece of luggage.

Source

Mr. Crabs Barred From Public Transit

The following comes to us via Lisa, in reply to “Bill To Ban B.O….Fails.”   I think you will agree that it’s a pretty clear-cut case of when someone should be barred from riding public transit.

From The Northern Light Police Report, Whatcom County, WA (some of the best reading in newspapers these days BTW)

August 28: A Whatcom Transit driver had to call police to intercede with an angry customer at a downtown bus stop. The customer was denied boarding because he was carrying a smelly, large plastic bag leaking fluid. He took offense at this, argued with the driver and then stood in the street to block the bus. The man explained to arriving officers that the bag contained fresh crab, and the leaking material was just seawater and crab juice. He was advised of the bus driver’s rights and responsibilities, and that blocking a vehicle constituted criminal disorderly conduct. Ultimately, the crabber decided to find alternative transportation and the driver departed on his seafood free bus route.

Mister Crabs is clearly at fault, here. Crab juice and seawater dripping all over the interior of the bus? That would REEK,  long after Mr. Crabs was gone.

Bill to Ban B.O. on Buses in Honolulu Fails

HONOLULU — The proposal to bar smelly people from Honolulu buses turned out to be a stinker.

The Honolulu City Council had considered making it illegal to have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.” Anyone convicted of being too smelly could have been fined up to $500 and/or given a six-month jail term….

Read more

Okay. I don’t enjoy the stench of another’s body odor anymore than the next person. But it is well that this idea of fining or jailing smelly people got flushed in council. It is just too problematic to even consider.  And it failed for all the right reasons: “stench” is far too subjective a factor for such a law to be just.

Nevertheless, two of the original sponsors have plans to revive a modified version of the bill at some point in the future. Perhaps they will establish a branch of law enforcement known as the Stench Squad, or the Stench Police, who will sit in the back of the bus with high tech devices that measure the nature and intensity of body odors. Plain clothes “Stink Marshals,” patterned after Sky Marshals might also be employed.

They could even have a graduated penalty system–

Onion, Garlic breath, Major Halitosis: 1st offense, written warning. 2nd offense, $100 fine. 3rd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail.

Feet: 1st offense, $250. 2nd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail

Underarm odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Generalized body odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Urine: Same as above.

Ass: $500 fine and one month’s suspension from using the bus. However, crapping one’s pants would result in permanent expulsion from the transit system and up to a year in prison, except in instances where medical causes are confirmed in writing by a physician.

Babies would be exempt, but it would be forbidden to change them on the bus. Parents might still be fined if it were determined that they were feeding the kid a bad diet.

Farts could be handled on a case-by-case, taking intensity, intention, age and other factors into account. In the case of the ubiquitous “slider,” the “silent but deadly” air biscuit, the culprit could be isolated by determining airflow, and the order in which various bus patrons smelt it, or fart-sniffing dogs could be used to isolate residual butt-gas in the culprit’s pants.
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The Stench Police sit in the back of the bus
The Stench Police are coming to arrest us….
(to the tune of “Dream Police,” by Cheap Trick)

Introducing: USB Air Fresheners

An endless stream of Cup O’ Noodles, microwaveable dinners, stale coffee, etc. :  let them make for a stinky workspace no longer. Now AromaUSB™ will bring the pleasing fragrances of lemongrass, lavender, or orange to your office. A cybernetic version of those Glade® plug-ins, I guess.

AromaUSB is simply a fragrance diffuser: there’s no drive on the stick. If you want aromatherapy plus flash storage, head on over to scent-drive.com.

Now all we need is a USB drive that smells like frying bacon, for that early morning ambiance.

UK Theme Park Cracks Down on B.O.

Thorpe Park bans rollercoaster fans from putting hands in air – due to body odour

Thorpe Park is banning visitors from putting their hands in the air while riding its rollercoasters following complaints about body odour….

Read more

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My commentary:

This sort of thing would never fly in the United States, where we jealously guard our right to be smelly. I do believe I have a solution for the Brits, however, that will save them from having to post signs, codify the “no raised arms on the coaster” rule, and escort non-compliant individuals off the premises with all the attendant embarassment and hard feelings such militancy doubtless engenders. My solution is quite simple and inexpensive. It’s called:

Yes, indeed, quite a few years ago someone came up with an invention. An inexpensive preparation sold at most retail outlets, called “Underarm Antiperspirant/Deodorant.” I have found it to be most effective. For example, I am attending the county fair tomorrow. It will be a hot day, and like most of the men in my family, I tend to perspire heavily. However, I will shower in the morning before I leave, and after the shower, I will apply this miraculous preparation to my underarms, and I positively GUARANTEE, my furry pits will be a sweet as a spring meadow come nightfall.

Y’all across the pond need to get yer heads on straight. No wonder Noel Coward wrote the lines, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun….”

Oooh, that smell…

Karl Marx, when elucidating his theory of communism, wrote that “All social rules and all relations between individuals are eroded by a cash economy; avarice drags Pluto himself out of the bowels of the earth.”  While I would take issue with the absolute quality of this statement, there is absolutely no doubt that money – or the lack thereof – often makes people do strange and seemingly unconsciable things.

The following is a perfect example of this: lacking payment for his services, what did this funeral director do with the body?

Funeral director allegedly leaves corpse in hearse

GADSDEN, Ala. (AP) — A funeral director faces a felony charge after police found a woman’s decomposing body in the back of a hearse. Police said the 76-year-old funeral home owner was charged Tuesday with abusing a corpse. Police said the woman died of natural causes in November 2007 at the age of 52. Relatives said they wanted her remains cremated.

But police said the family never signed papers for a cremation or paid the funeral home. So the owner allegedly put the body in the back of a hearse and parked it on a lot with other old vehicles.

Someone complained about a foul odor, leading officers to discover the decomposing remains.

Source

Okay, I have no patience with this. Retire that old fucker and nominate him to the Hall of Shame.

The Quest for the Odorless Fart

There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter has liposuction, which turns him into a beautiful person. In short order, he is invited to join an exclusive club for beautiful people, and on the inaugural tour of the facilities his host hands him a bottle of pills: “Here, take these – they’ll make your bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.”

Ben Franklin addressed this speculative idea over two centuries ago – that flatus (farts) might someday be rendered innocuous by taking some manner of drug or substance:

My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

From Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, edited by Carl Japikse.

Well, such a product has arrived. Misanthrope and skeptic that I am, I am inclined to doubt its efficacy sight unseen waft unsmelled, but this new product called Whiff!, pushed (yes, that’s the right word) at a website with the evocative name takeawhiff.com claims that their product will render your poop and farts odorless (except in the case of avid meat-eaters, in which case the original essence of the miasma will remain, merely diminished in potency).

Chronic Flatulence? Get the GasBGon® Seat Cushion

Whether you’re on the sending or the receiving end of the “pause that refreshes/repulses,” Dairiair LLC makes a line of products that dampen the smell, or both the sound and the smell. One of their products which seems particularly useful in this respect – and which I think may catch on – is the “GasBGon Seat Cushion.” Retailing at $24.95 U.S., and offered in a variety of designs subsumed under the themes of sport (“Tush Down Sport Series”), gambling, (“Holdem Big Slick Chillin’ Series”) and the swanky, upscale (“Black Cushion Signature Series”), one of these is a gift that is sure to please not only the recipient, but all those who have to be around him/her.

The GasBGon® flatulence odor control seat cushion is a high performance air filter designed to look and feel like a conventional seat cushion incorporating a sound dampening filter and a proprietary activated carbon odor filter. The seat cushion functions as a powerful passive control device to effectively muffle the sound and adsorb the odor associated with flatulence. Each cushion is complete with a washable zippered cover for filter insertion/replacement, they are lightweight (less than 1 lb) and are nominally 15 inches square and 1 inch thick. Each cushion comes complete with a sound and odor filter and a Tally-Toot card. A downloadable wind instrument award can be provided for those gift giving occasions. Each cushion can accept a second odor filter for those heavy end users and should be purchased separately. Installation by purchaser.

Men: Do not staple your scrotum

I begin by noting that this is a true story, as Snopes.com details.

Scrotum Self-Repair

From the Unusual Case column of the July 1991 issue of “Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality,”

by William A. Morton, Jr.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he “needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles.”

The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove
his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained
gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of
a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing
pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were.
Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine
shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a
heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the
type used in putting up wallboard.

Skunkweed

Man Arrested for Bank Deposit with Pot Stench

By Dan O’Donnell

If you’re heading to the bank to make a deposit today, make sure your bills don’t smell like weed.

A 21 year-old man from Sturgeon Bay faces possible drug charges after he tried to deposit money that reeked of reefer…

Read the entire article

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