HONOLULU — The proposal to bar smelly people from Honolulu buses turned out to be a stinker.
The Honolulu City Council had considered making it illegal to have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.” Anyone convicted of being too smelly could have been fined up to $500 and/or given a six-month jail term….
Okay. I don’t enjoy the stench of another’s body odor anymore than the next person. But it is well that this idea of fining or jailing smelly people got flushed in council. It is just too problematic to even consider. And it failed for all the right reasons: “stench” is far too subjective a factor for such a law to be just.
Nevertheless, two of the original sponsors have plans to revive a modified version of the bill at some point in the future. Perhaps they will establish a branch of law enforcement known as the Stench Squad, or the Stench Police, who will sit in the back of the bus with high tech devices that measure the nature and intensity of body odors. Plain clothes “Stink Marshals,” patterned after Sky Marshals might also be employed.
They could even have a graduated penalty system–
Onion, Garlic breath, Major Halitosis: 1st offense, written warning. 2nd offense, $100 fine. 3rd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail.
Feet: 1st offense, $250. 2nd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail
Underarm odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.
Generalized body odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.
Urine: Same as above.
Ass: $500 fine and one month’s suspension from using the bus. However, crapping one’s pants would result in permanent expulsion from the transit system and up to a year in prison, except in instances where medical causes are confirmed in writing by a physician.
Babies would be exempt, but it would be forbidden to change them on the bus. Parents might still be fined if it were determined that they were feeding the kid a bad diet.
Farts could be handled on a case-by-case, taking intensity, intention, age and other factors into account. In the case of the ubiquitous “slider,” the “silent but deadly” air biscuit, the culprit could be isolated by determining airflow, and the order in which various bus patrons smelt it, or fart-sniffing dogs could be used to isolate residual butt-gas in the culprit’s pants.
The Stench Police sit in the back of the bus
The Stench Police are coming to arrest us….
(to the tune of “Dream Police,” by Cheap Trick)