Category Archives: Dookie

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52 Ways to Make

52 Ways to Make

When you can walk the toilet paper without tearing it, little pooper, then it will be time for you to go.

Kama Pootra

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On Polishing a Turd

polished-poopIn a recent discussion over at Google+, someone used the metaphorical term “polish a turd.” I sat and thought about that concept over my morning coffee (heaven forbid, but there it is). Then I Googled it. And sure enough, it is possible to make a grogan gleam, to make shit shine, to make dookie dazzle, yea, verily, to impart a luster to a log. But I’m quite sure turd polishing is not going to become an art form anytime soon. However, I could be wrong; this is America.

The inimitable Mythbusters demonstrate, here: http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/mythbusters/videos/polishing-a-turd-minimyth.htm

This Coke Smells Like Crap

Snorting coke is very glamorous.

A Boston woman was arrested recently at Logan International Airport as she attempted to smuggle cocaine, packed in a bag of dirty diapers,  into the U.S.  She claims that she did not know what she was transporting, but that she owed aman in the Dominican Republic money, and this is how she was paying off her debt

The drugs were discovered when other passengers complained about a putrid smell emanating from a particular piece of luggage.

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Montreal Carjacker Steals Van Packed with Dirty Diapers

(What a hose-head – ed.)

Via globalsaskatoon.com

Carjacker steals van toting 500 pounds of dirty diapers

It’s one of the most unusual thefts, let alone stinky.

But on Tuesday, diaper delivery truck driver Marc Sabourin was carjacked.

On a break between deliveries, a man wearing a leather jacket and aviator sunglasses approached Sabourin and asked if he was selling something.

“I said, ‘I don’t sell anything, ‘I’m a diaper delivery service.’ Then he jams the car door open and says, ‘Get out’,” Sabourin explained….

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A poopy travesty of justice

Knowing how some dog-owners are irresponsible about cleaning up after their mutts, I can see how this lady flipped out after stepping in dookie. When I worked for the local City Parks, it was a municipal code that it was a crime for people not to pick up  their dogs poop after going in the park.  Of course, this law was unenforcable – the cops were too busy, and the Parks administration had deemed it to risky for park workers to approach potentially crazy persons with vicious dogs.  So, each morning when I worked in this one particular park doggy toilet, I would see multiple residents of the fine old turn-of-the-century homes that  surrounded the park, arriving in turns with Fido on a leash, to take his morning dump. And they never picked it up.

You can’t count on most people to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. And you can’t count on the boys in blue to mediate the situation. So who can you count on?

Answer: You can count on spike to leave nauseating pile of crap under the sycamore tree.

Here’s a possible strategy I though up for lashing back at people who leave their dog’s land mines on public or private property.

Meanwhile, read it and weep.

APERVILLE, Ill., Sept. 17 (UPI) — An Illinois woman was arrested for allegedly smearing dog droppings on a neighbor’s patio after stepping in it, authorities said.

Susan M. Miller, 43, of Naperville, Ill., was charged with disorderly conduct, the Chicago Tribune.

Naperville police say Miller also took a sign advising apartment residents to clean up after their dogs and placed it, along with green plastic bags used for cleaning up dog waste, on the same neighbor’s patio.

When police arrived at the apartment in answer to a complaint, they found Miller chasing a cat through the complex.

She yelled at the officers, asking if they “were there about the (neighbor) with dog poop,” the police report said.

Police arrested Miller — after she caught up with her roommate’s cat, the report said.

Miller was later released on bail.

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A stinky letter

SANFORD, Fla., Nov. 17 (UPI) — Police in Florida said a high school principal received a profane letter in an envelope smeared with feces.

Sanford police Sgt. David Morgenstern said a Seminole High School employee was putting the 6-inch-by-8-inch envelope into Principal Mike Gaudreau’s mailbox when she noticed the foul smell, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Wednesday.

Police said the worker and three or four other school employees who touched the envelope while trying to determine the cause of the odor were placed in quarantine until the Seminole County Fire Department’s Hazardous Materials team identified the substance as excrement.

“We were concerned at first,” Morgenstern said. “You could mask some sort of chemical. We wanted to make sure all the faculty and students were safe.”

Morgenstern said the envelope contained a letter with “colorful language talking about the high school principal.”

The spokesman said police were investigating and the person behind the letter could face a charge of disrupting a school function.

“There are no real charges for sending a poopy letter,” Morgenstern said.

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Dirty Thief

An elderly Australian woman was pelted with human feces while withdrawing cash from an ATM and then robbed by a man posing as a good citizen.

The 85-year-old victim was hit from behind with the feces just as she withdrew an undetermined amount of cash from a Chatswood ATM, Adelaide Now reports.

Police said a stranger then came to the woman’s aid and helped her to a washroom to clean herself before reaching in her handbag and stealing her wallet with the cash.

Police are looking for a stocky Asian man around 40 years old wearing a baseball cap. They believe the attacker and the thief are the same person.

That really stinks.

Source: http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2010/11/03/woman-hit-with-poo-at-atm-robbed-by-good-samaritan/

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Filled his pants

Via Fist Of Blog

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Trainspotting Toilet Scene (Caution!)

Some have speculated that the “Mr. Creosote Scene” from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (see below) is the most revolting in 20th century cinema. Having recently seen Trainspotting (1996) for the first time, I have to say it’s a serious contender; I find it far, far more revolting than Mr. Creosote.

Cautions:

  • If you haven’t seen the movie and you’re a fan of Ewan McGregor, you might want to skip this clip.
  • If you’re incapable of clinical detachment, and tend to retch when seeing revolting things, you should probably skip it.
  • If you watch it, and it severely grosses you out or ruins your dinner…well, I warned you.

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The Quest for the Odorless Fart

There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter has liposuction, which turns him into a beautiful person. In short order, he is invited to join an exclusive club for beautiful people, and on the inaugural tour of the facilities his host hands him a bottle of pills: “Here, take these – they’ll make your bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.”

Ben Franklin addressed this speculative idea over two centuries ago – that flatus (farts) might someday be rendered innocuous by taking some manner of drug or substance:

My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

From Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, edited by Carl Japikse.

Well, such a product has arrived. Misanthrope and skeptic that I am, I am inclined to doubt its efficacy sight unseen waft unsmelled, but this new product called Whiff!, pushed (yes, that’s the right word) at a website with the evocative name takeawhiff.com claims that their product will render your poop and farts odorless (except in the case of avid meat-eaters, in which case the original essence of the miasma will remain, merely diminished in potency).

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