Tag Archives: Wind

A malodorous wind

According to a variety of news sources, a change in normal weather patterns has caused a stench from continental Europe to waft across the UK, generating masses of complaints. Predictably, the British wry sense of humor has named this malodorous wind “Das Stink” and “Le Pong.”

Stench from Europe wafts over Britain

A vile stench emanating from the industrial heartlands of Europe has engulfed southern England as freak weather conditions blew pungent continental odours across the Channel on Friday.

The Met Office received hundreds of calls from members of the public complaining about the disgusting smell, which had migrated from the farming and industrial areas of Germany, Belgium and Holland.

Stench from Europe wafts over Britain
The smell even offended nostrils in London

“Das stink” or “le pong” even infiltrated BBC television studios through the corporation’s air conditioning system.

The gut-wrenching smell was reported in Suffolk, Surrey, Oxfordshire, Berkshire, Kent, Hertfordshire and all across London….

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Romance: Gone With The Wind

Sexy, or what?Quite a few years ago, my ex-wife worked with a young lady whose husband was beset by chronic flatulence. Apparently he had decided to embrace his condition, and so he would brazenly break wind and make rude comments about it, often in the most inappropriate social settings. For example, at my wife’s company picnic as we were eating, seated at picnic tables with various of her co-workers and their families, he would from time-to-time lift an ass-cheek, let one go, and say things like, “Whoa, you’d best get upwind from that one,” or “Smell the crack of the Earth…”

Charmed, I’m sure. I’d never seen anything like it. Despite my fascination with the vulgar, even I know where the line of propriety versus impropriety falls.

After we arrived home that evening, my wife told me that this odoriferous fellow, when at home with his wife, would cut enormous protracted farts beneath the bedclothes in the morning, and then forcibly confine the poor woman’s head underneath the blankets until she could hold her breath no longer.

This is tantamount to abuse to my thinking, but what’s worse is that she was beautiful. I mean, a tall, long-legged country girl descended from German milkmaids, with golden hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a face to lauch a thousand ships.

Sigh. There’s no accounting for taste. I guess there must have been something to love about the guy, despite the affrontery of his overactive butt.

The following article was the catalyst for my calling this stinky, stinky man to mind–

Sex life has gone with husband’s wind

Q: I AND my husband are having big arguments over his disgusting habit of getting into bed every night and then spending 10 minutes breaking wind, stinking out the room.After that, I obviously have no interest whatsoever in having sex with him.

He says it’s natural, but as I have pointed out to him many times, so is going to the lavatory, but no one would dream of doing it in the bed.

We have only been married for six months. He seldom did it when we were just engaged, but he says now we’re married, he wants to be able to relax in his own bed in his own house.

Read the advice columnist’s reply

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The gassiest foods

Broccoli

– Legumes: dried beans, lentils, peas, soybeans.

    – Vegetables: cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, kohlrabi, brussels sprouts, green pepper, cucumber, onions, leeks, asparagus, artichokes, rutabagas, turnips, radishes.

      – Fruits: bananas, apples, pears, peaches, melons, avocados, prunes, raisins

        Rye– Whole grains, particularly whole wheat and bran. Rice produces the least intestinal gas of any of the staple grains.

          – Soft drinks and fruit juice.

            Banana Split– Milk products: ice cream, off-the-shelf foods containing milk. Can be debilitating to the lactose intolerant. Cultured milk products (e.g., yogurt, kefir, etc.) tend to be less troublesome gaswise, after your body becomes accustomed to them – a person who has just begun using these cultured products may experience bloating and gas from the probiotic action, but this tends to subside over time. Aged cheeses (swiss, parmesan, etc.) tend to also be less troublesome; other cheeses like sandwich Jack (as opposed to aged Gassy mintsJack, which is a hard, grating cheese) or Mozarella, which are not aged, may be “highly problematic” (Phhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrtttt).

              – Foods containing the artificial sweeteners sorbitol or mannitol (sorbitol does a real number on me, I have discovered).

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                Le Petomane – The “Fartiste”

                Joseph Pujol’s arse sucked wind, literally. Below is an clip from Le Petomane the movie. If you wish to learn more about the extraordinary life of Joseph Pujol, visit this webpage

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                [Contributed] Hitler: Hell-Smell Incarnate

                Thanks to Index from Fist Of Blog for pointing us to this excellent article on Adolf Hitler’s preternatural flatulence–

                Scent of a Führer

                Hitler wanted to control the world. But he couldn’t even control his flatulence.

                By Tony Perrottet

                Guests at the Berghof, Hitler’s private chalet in the Bavarian Alps, must have endured some unpleasant odors in the otherwise healthful mountain air.

                It may sound like a Woody Allen scenario, but medical historians are unanimous that Adolf was the victim of uncontrollable flatulence. Spasmodic stomach cramps, constipation and diarrhea, possibly the result of nervous tension, had been Hitler’s curse since childhood and only grew more severe as he aged. As a stressed-out dictator, the agonizing digestive attacks would occur after most meals: Albert Speer recalled that the Führer, ashen-faced, would leap up from the dinner table and disappear to his room…. (read more)

                Mein Gott, I farted.

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                Ben Franklin on Flatulence

                It may be difficult for some to accept that one of our founding fathers conceived of and wrote the following; nevertheless, it is so. I give you an excerpt from Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, edited by Carl Japikse.

                Fart Proudly

                …It is universally well known, that in digesting our common food, there is created or produced in the bowels of human creatures, a great quantity of wind.

                That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid smell that accompanies it.

                That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such offence, forcibly restrain the efforts of nature to discharge that wind.

                That so retained contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present pain, but occasions future diseases such as habitual cholics, ruptures, tympanies, &c., often destructive of the constitution and sometimes of life itself.

                Were it not for the odiously offensive smell accompanying such escapes, polite people would probably be under no more restraint in discharging such wind in company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their noses.

                My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

                That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

                It seems that in the 200+ years since Franklin wrote the above, the concept has yet to catch on. Possibly the chemical composition of fecal matter (sulfurous compounds, e.g., thiols), and the gases produced (e.g., hydrogen sulfide) are fundamentally incompatible with the production of pleasing smells. Franklin’s argument sounds reasonable on the surface, but thinking one level deeper, we must admit that “mildly odorous” farts (e.g., a vegetarian’s) are a long way from the the essence of blooming jasmine on a tropical summer night, and it seems even farther away when one has a rudimentary understanding of just why feces and farts stink.

                BUT–can you imagine if someone was able to accomplish Franklin’s vision? It would become a new industry in its own right, and entrepreneurs able to get in on the ground floor would make billions.

                A Monday morning, late summer, 2075. Elaine has just arrived at the office, eager to show off the new designer fragrance her boyfriend got her in Paris. As she passes through the cube-farm, she pauses, lifts her leg, and lets one go. An exotic aura of smell spreads across the office, conjuring images of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, or some far-off Shangri-La where painted fairies dance upon Lotus blossoms under azure skies….

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