From The Best of Craigslist: “Don’t Shave Your Ass-Hair!”

WARNING!!!

Date: 2004-07-01, 2:15PM PDT

Don’t Shave That Hair!!!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea….

Read the entire smelly story

“The Scoop on Poop”

The original (purportedly) poop FAQ. Everything you didn’t want to know about the brown stuff. Bonus: A photo of giant African land-snail poop.

http://www.heptune.com/poop.html

Top 5 posts

The top five posts at Things That Stink, for the last 90 days, were:

• Tonsilloliths

• Michelle Obama on Barack: “snore-y and stinky guy”

• Musky Matthew McConaughey

• Tales From the Nasty Chair

• Classifying Crap: The Bristol Stool Scale

And since, out of these five posts, “Musky Matthew McConaughey” is the most recent, by far (Feb. 1), it appears that the earthy miasma of this Tinseltown hunkster’s armpits (according to Fool’s Gold co-star Kate Hudson) deeply interests some people.

Oh – and I should note that some of the incoming links on the Matthew McConaughey post are from gay sites, replete with generally artless photos of large tumescent appendages. Henceforth, I think I will call this the “Flamin’ response” which is a play on the scientific term, “Flehmen Response,” a phenomenon which has everything to do with the sense of smell.

“Flehmen response” in the common Tapir (Tapirus terrestrsis)

Busted: Psycho Dog People

Dog-filth suspects were investigated last year

The women accused of serially trashing rental homes by packing them with unsupervised pets received a visit from BSO and DCF after neighbors complained of smelling dog feces last year.

A year before Broward sheriff’s deputies arrested a mother and her daughter on charges they wrecked rental homes with more than five dozen unwalked, unkempt dogs, authorities got a whiff of their scent.

On Feb. 8, 2007, a BSO deputy accompanied a Department of Children & Families investigator to the Oakland Park residence of Ann Centofanti and Ann Hesse-Centofanti for an elderly abuse investigation.

Neighbors of the Centofantis had expressed concern for the well-being of Lucy Centofanti, the family matriarch. Neighbors had not seen her in months.

Those neighbors also complained of a strong smell of dog feces coming from the home at 3475 NW 17th Ter., according to a police report.

Investigators found four dogs, some foul odor, a frail grandmother — but no sign of foul play.

In the next 12 months, the family went through at least three other homes, two of which needed to be completely gutted, and their pooch collection topped out at 63 before they called it quits, according to neighbors, landlords and the Broward Sheriff’s Office.

Earlier this week, they abandoned 46 dogs and three cats at an Oakland Park rental home that was so filled with waste deputies needed to wear hazmat suits to enter, BSO said.

Read the entire article, watch video, etc.

55 dogs lived and crapped there…

What is it with Florida and the houses filled with excrement? Barely two weeks ago I posted about the house in Tarpon Springs, Florida, steeped in the shit of 196 cats.

This time it’s dogs. 55 of ‘em. And a few cats.

Dozens of Dogs Removed From Filthy Duplex

OAKLAND PARK, Fla. – Animal control officers said they have rescued dozens of dogs from a feces-filled home in Oakland Park.

Police said they received a call about 11 a.m. Sunday from neighbors complaining about the animals in the 1700 block of Floranada Road. Officers found 55 dogs and a few cats in the home.

Police said a woman who lived in the duplex moved out and asked someone to look after the animals.

Deputies found the dogs and cats living in “filth and squalor along with a noxious stench of animal excrement,” according to a press release.

Animal control officers removed three truckloads of about a dozen dogs early in the afternoon and then returned for the rest, police said.

The case is under investigation. (source)

Tyrannosaurus Turd

Well, it probably was smelly once. About 65 million years ago.

This chunk of fossilized dino-dung, otherwise known as a “coprolite,” was discovered in Saskatchewan in 1995, and is believed to have been deposited by a T. rex. It is roughly a foot in length.

Read the article, “A king-sized theropod coprolite found in Saskatchewan.”

Steve Jobs and diaper-changing tables

Steve Jobs’ alleged reply to an e-mail inquiring why there are no diaper-changing tables in Apple’s NYC store:

From: Steve Jobs <sjobs@apple.com>
Date: January 3, 2008 10:33:14 PM EST
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: apple retail store – soho nyc – baby diaper changing table???

There doesn’t seem to be a demand for it, and it usually is accompanied by rather pungent odors.

Steve

(Source)

Right on, Stevie boy. We all know your shit doesn’t stink.

As a quaint, if practically irrelevant aside, my mother’s pet-term for No. 2 when I was a kid was “Doing a job.”

Nuked Dookie

Yet another odoriferous incident from the state in which I live, but this one much, much fouler than the story preceding this. In fact, you might not even want to read it if you’re not capable of “clinical detachment.”

Also, if you harbor any sort of misanthropic sentiments, this is not going to improve your overall opinion of humanity.

Foul Odor Leads to Shocking Discovery in Bremerton Apartment Building

BREMERTON

A foul smell that had been irritating tenants at an apartment building turned out to be an unkind gift left in the microwave.

An 87-year-old woman on Wednesday called Bremerton police to her apartment building on the 100 block of Lafayette Avenue North to tell police about the discovery, reports said.

The woman said on Monday evening she heard several complaints about the smell, a “foul odor.”

The woman looked for the source of the noxious stench, but was unable to find it until another resident told her it seemed to be emanating from a recreation room to which all residents have access.

The smell led her to the microwave.

“Inside the microwave, there was a substance that she determined was human feces,” the officer wrote in the report. “She said that it was not in any type of container and that it had been partially melted in the microwave.”

There were no suspects. The woman said she didn’t believe anyone in the apartment complex would do such a thing. (source)

How would you punish something like that? Any conventional penalty just doesn’t seem…well, creative enough.

Here’s a suggested warning label for microwaves, in case of “copycat crimes.”

No. 2 in Luxor, Egypt

A restroom in Luxor, Egypt, according to Urinal.net. This is another case of not having to be there to know that it probably stinks. Hummus, garlic, cumin…yeah, it’s a-simmerin’ under the relentless desert sun.

They poop differently ’round the other side of the planet. In fact, the Poop Report (see final link below) says that 2/3 of the people on the planet are squatters, rather than sitters. This may just be a cultural variant on crapping, or I surmise that there may be a practical purpose behind it: I knew a guy from India who told me it was not unknown for a cobra to come up the sewer line, so the activities of various indigenous vermin may have something to do with the whole “stoop-n’-strain” arrangement over yonder.

I know I wouldn’t want to be sitting on the pot when a cobra came up the toilet, looking to “…kill the big man and his wife, and the child…” (re: Kipling’s “Rikki-Tikki-Tavi”). In Egypt or India or anywhere else.

The Poop Report has an article on pooping in Egypt from a tourist’s perspective.

A Crappy Cup of Coffee

From Animalcoffee.com–

“Treat yourself to the worlds finest coffee with kopi luwak from Animalcoffee; the only source on the internet for authentic premium kopi luwak. Kopi luwak is a unique gourmet coffee that is processed in the stomach of a wild animal, after which it is hand collected from the floor of the Sumatran jungle. Annual global supply is estimated to be in the vicinity of six to seven hundred pounds.”

In short, it’s shit.