Poo Flags: The Sequel

Have you ever been walking along the street or through a park, and encountered a pile of dog crap? If so, hopefully you gave it wide berth. Yet, even the best of us gets shit on his/her shiny brown shoes from time to time, because there’s a lot of it to go around.

I’ll bet you were irritated, when you got dog crap firmly embedded in the tread of your tennies.

Most cities have ordinances about this, yet they are largely unenforceable because dookie is a transient affair. If the cop isn’t there to see it happening, chances are the guy on the other end of the leash will go unpunished.*

When I worked for the Bellingham Parks and Recreation Dept., in the 90s, we had a meeting about dog poop in the parks. We were told that up to that point, a couple of parks personnel had been deputized, so as to be able to issue citations (mind you, this is two deputized employees in a city of 75,000, with more greenspace per capita than most cities of its size in the U.S.). However, due to the fact that there were so many indigents and “crazies” in the parks, this practice was no longer considered safe, and was terminated. And so the goal of the meeting was to educate us, the seasonal workers, about our “responsibility” when we observed someone letting his dog do his business in the parks, and then not cleaning it up: we were supposed to approach them and politely tell them about the [unenforcable] dookie ordinance.

One of the last things the speaker said at the meeting that morning was, “It’s important to remember: you have no authority, but you do have a responsibility….”

HA! I laugh on you, you pinhead. For $6.00/hr, 6-months-a-year hard labor, with next-to-zero opportunity for advancement, all that statement gets out of me is contempt.

Here’s a way to make a statement about dog crap that might at least make you feel better, and also might catch the attention of the powers that be in your particular jurisdiction. All you have to do is to save and print the PDF file I’ve created (linked to below) and then construct little poo flags with toothpicks. Or, if you wish to make a really prominent statement, use a long bamboo barbecue skewer (if you can get it to stand up).

Unlike the Dubya poo flags, this is not a political, but rather a civic statement. A statement about the dookie and the dog-owner, rather than a utilization of the dookie as a platform for a political statement.

Ergo: sure, Dubya stinks, but so does dog crap on the sidewalk.

Click here to download the PDF file

Here’s a shot of two completed poo flags. I presume you’re able to figure out how to make them on your own.

*I expect that increasing video surveillance on the streets of U.S. cities will make doo-doo infractions more susceptible to prosecution (not that I approve of constantly expanding video surveillance). Even in that case, however, it won’t always be possible to track the individual down. Unless, of course, we all have chips embedded in our necks or the backs of our heads.

The Dover Boys at Pimento University (P.U.)

In an earlier post, I poked fun at the novelty of a manure-sniffing study being conducted at Purdue University, i.e., P.U. The comedic irony here is threefold, and if I may make it explicit:

• It’s a genuine manure sniffing study
• It really is being conducted at a University with the intials “P.U.”
• Most significantly, there’s a famous old Warner Bros. cartoon that plays nicely into the irony.

I give you “The Dover Boys at Pimento University” OR “The Rivals of Roquefort Hall”–

Pimento U., o’ sweet P.U.
Thy fragrant odor scents the air
A pox on Yale, poo-poopa-doo
Pimento U., my college fair

Poo-Flags

I first became acquainted with poo-flags when I saw a story back in 2005, about how German police were seeking anonymous poo-flag “vandals” in Germany–

Achtung, schweinhund! Setzen sie sich hinunter pooflag und übergeben sie der Polizei!

Police in Germany are hunting pranksters who have been sticking miniature flag portraits of US President George W. Bush into piles of dog poo in public parks. Josef Oettl, parks administrator for Bayreuth, said: “This has been going on for about a year now, and there must be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been claimed during that time.”

The series of incidents was originally thought to be some sort of protest against the US-led invasion ofIraq. And then when it continued it was thought to be a protest against President George W. Bush’s campaign for re-election. But it is still going on and the police say they are completely baffled as to who is to blame. “We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is doing this in the act,” said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. “But frankly, we don’t know what we would do if we caught them red handed.” Legal experts say there is no law against using feces as a flag stand and the federal legal experts say there is no law against using feces as a flag stand and the federal constitution is vague on the issue. (source)

Poo-flagging seems to have caught on in the United States, and there is now a San Francisco-based site, madeyouthink.org, which hosts a gallery of user-submitted poo-flaggings from across the nation, and also distributes free poo-flags via snail mail or download.

“Geek Stink Breath”

Quickcare.org describes how methamphetamine causes halitosis–

How does methamphetamine cause bad breath?

Methamphetamines increase the acid content of stomach fluids and saliva. The acid damages the teeth, which can lead to bad breath. It also decreases the amount of saliva in the mouth. Dry mouth can cause bad breath.

How else can methamphetamine cause bad breath? Meth users tend to grind their teeth and they also crave sugar. Grinding the teeth and eating excessive sweets leads to very poor condition of the teeth. Bad teeth tend to equal bad breath.

Can methamphetamine cause bad breath in other ways? It mainly causes bad breath by damaging the teeth. However, it is harmful to the whole body, and as it affects the internal organs, it can cause bad breath due to problems in the digestive tract as well.

Which leads us to the Green Day tune, “Geek Stink Breath”–

GEEK STINK BREATH

I’m on a mission
I made my decision
To lead a path of self destruction
A slow progression
Killing my complexion
And it’s rotting out my teeth

I’m on a roll
No self control
I’m blowing off steam with methamphetamine
Don’t know what I want
That’s all that I’ve got
And I’m picking scabs off my face

The Lowly Dung Beetle

All glory to the Dung Beetles, who clean up the shit without complaining.

Tonsilloliths

A “tonsillolith,” commonly referred to as a “tonsil stone,” is a nodule that forms in back of the mouth, in the fissures of the tonsils. They are believed to be a composite of bacteria, particles of food, and deceased white blood cells. Analysis has disclosed high levels of sulfur, thus they usually have a pungent odor, which has been described by some as “concentrated” or “condensed halitosis.” When crushed, they are said to exude an odor like rotten eggs.

While a definite nuisance, tonsil stones are not known to be medically harmful. As for being socially damaging – well, that’s a whole different ball of…halitosis. I had a professor in college whose breath could be smelled across the room, and there was much discussion among the student body as to what was responsible for his chronic butt-breath. In retrospect, I now wonder if he might have been afflicted with tonsil stones.