Mr. Crabs Barred From Public Transit

The following comes to us via Lisa, in reply to “Bill To Ban B.O….Fails.”   I think you will agree that it’s a pretty clear-cut case of when someone should be barred from riding public transit.

From The Northern Light Police Report, Whatcom County, WA (some of the best reading in newspapers these days BTW)

August 28: A Whatcom Transit driver had to call police to intercede with an angry customer at a downtown bus stop. The customer was denied boarding because he was carrying a smelly, large plastic bag leaking fluid. He took offense at this, argued with the driver and then stood in the street to block the bus. The man explained to arriving officers that the bag contained fresh crab, and the leaking material was just seawater and crab juice. He was advised of the bus driver’s rights and responsibilities, and that blocking a vehicle constituted criminal disorderly conduct. Ultimately, the crabber decided to find alternative transportation and the driver departed on his seafood free bus route.

Mister Crabs is clearly at fault, here. Crab juice and seawater dripping all over the interior of the bus? That would REEK,  long after Mr. Crabs was gone.

Bill to Ban B.O. on Buses in Honolulu Fails

HONOLULU — The proposal to bar smelly people from Honolulu buses turned out to be a stinker.

The Honolulu City Council had considered making it illegal to have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.” Anyone convicted of being too smelly could have been fined up to $500 and/or given a six-month jail term….

Read more

Okay. I don’t enjoy the stench of another’s body odor anymore than the next person. But it is well that this idea of fining or jailing smelly people got flushed in council. It is just too problematic to even consider.  And it failed for all the right reasons: “stench” is far too subjective a factor for such a law to be just.

Nevertheless, two of the original sponsors have plans to revive a modified version of the bill at some point in the future. Perhaps they will establish a branch of law enforcement known as the Stench Squad, or the Stench Police, who will sit in the back of the bus with high tech devices that measure the nature and intensity of body odors. Plain clothes “Stink Marshals,” patterned after Sky Marshals might also be employed.

They could even have a graduated penalty system–

Onion, Garlic breath, Major Halitosis: 1st offense, written warning. 2nd offense, $100 fine. 3rd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail.

Feet: 1st offense, $250. 2nd offense, $500 fine, or six months in jail

Underarm odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Generalized body odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Urine: Same as above.

Ass: $500 fine and one month’s suspension from using the bus. However, crapping one’s pants would result in permanent expulsion from the transit system and up to a year in prison, except in instances where medical causes are confirmed in writing by a physician.

Babies would be exempt, but it would be forbidden to change them on the bus. Parents might still be fined if it were determined that they were feeding the kid a bad diet.

Farts could be handled on a case-by-case, taking intensity, intention, age and other factors into account. In the case of the ubiquitous “slider,” the “silent but deadly” air biscuit, the culprit could be isolated by determining airflow, and the order in which various bus patrons smelt it, or fart-sniffing dogs could be used to isolate residual butt-gas in the culprit’s pants.
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The Stench Police sit in the back of the bus
The Stench Police are coming to arrest us….
(to the tune of “Dream Police,” by Cheap Trick)

Chinese drywall reeks, but it’s not radioactive

I would ask, right up front, “Why on Earth are we importing drywall, of all things, from China?!

Report: Chinese drywall has no radioactive threat

The Associated Press

MANATEE, Fla. – State and federal officials say homeowners shouldn’t worry about radioactivity from [smelly] Chinese drywall….

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Introducing: USB Air Fresheners

An endless stream of Cup O’ Noodles, microwaveable dinners, stale coffee, etc. :  let them make for a stinky workspace no longer. Now AromaUSB™ will bring the pleasing fragrances of lemongrass, lavender, or orange to your office. A cybernetic version of those Glade® plug-ins, I guess.

AromaUSB is simply a fragrance diffuser: there’s no drive on the stick. If you want aromatherapy plus flash storage, head on over to scent-drive.com.

Now all we need is a USB drive that smells like frying bacon, for that early morning ambiance.

Got a stinky house? Cash in on it!

Dutch Boy® Paint Co. is having a contest to promote their Refresh™ brand paint – a paint that not only brightens the room, but also kills odor (purportedly). People send in pictures of the ugliest, stinkiest room in their houses, and site visitors have the opportunity to view the rooms and vote on which ones look stinkiest.   The prizes for the three ugliest, stinkiest rooms are:

1st prize: 50 gallons of Refresh™ paint and $5000
2nd prize: 25 gallons of Refresh™ paint and $2500
3rd prize: 10 gallons of Refresh™ paint and $1000

Those who vote on the rooms also have a chance at winning a few gallons of paint.

http://www.myhousestinks.com

UK Theme Park Cracks Down on B.O.

Thorpe Park bans rollercoaster fans from putting hands in air – due to body odour

Thorpe Park is banning visitors from putting their hands in the air while riding its rollercoasters following complaints about body odour….

Read more

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My commentary:

This sort of thing would never fly in the United States, where we jealously guard our right to be smelly. I do believe I have a solution for the Brits, however, that will save them from having to post signs, codify the “no raised arms on the coaster” rule, and escort non-compliant individuals off the premises with all the attendant embarassment and hard feelings such militancy doubtless engenders. My solution is quite simple and inexpensive. It’s called:

Yes, indeed, quite a few years ago someone came up with an invention. An inexpensive preparation sold at most retail outlets, called “Underarm Antiperspirant/Deodorant.” I have found it to be most effective. For example, I am attending the county fair tomorrow. It will be a hot day, and like most of the men in my family, I tend to perspire heavily. However, I will shower in the morning before I leave, and after the shower, I will apply this miraculous preparation to my underarms, and I positively GUARANTEE, my furry pits will be a sweet as a spring meadow come nightfall.

Y’all across the pond need to get yer heads on straight. No wonder Noel Coward wrote the lines, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun….”

10-15 million Fish Die in California’s Lake Elsinore

By JOHN F. HILL
The Press-Enterprise An estimated 10 million to 15 million tiny baitfish went belly up at Lake Elsinore last weekend, the worst fish die-off since 2002, officials said….

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Zapping Tonsil-Stones with Lasers

The consensus among those who endeavor to treat the problem of chronic halitosis is that bread breath can in different cases be attributed to different causes. One that is particularly intractable without medical intervention, however, is the phenomenon of tonsil tones – smelly nodules which form on the tonsils.

I have written about tonsil stones, or tonsilloliths here previously, and those posts remain in the “top ten most-hit” category (post1, post2) up to the present. Therefore, I thought this article timely and pertinent:

A New York doctor pioneers a remedy to zap bad breath with a laser

Sadeta Velovic’s breath stunk.

It was so bad, people moved away from her when she spoke. Her own mother complained about the rotten stench. Even Velovic, herself, could smell the foul odor upon waking in the morning.

“Nobody wanted to be near that smell,” recalls the 40-year-old Ridgewood, Queens, resident, who works in building maintenance. “I felt so bad, but I didn’t know what to do. I kept going to doctors, but they didn’t help…”

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$22.5 million/year for knocking a piece of cowhide around?

As Sporting News notes today, Manny Ramirez has just reached a deal with the Dodgers: $45 million for two years.

Now consider this: in Trenton, New Jersey, a different Manny – Manny Rivera, the firefighter – was fighting for his life a month ago after sustaining a critical injury while saving the life of a teenager:

http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2009/02/firefighter_battles_lifethreat.html

Now, consider that the median salary of a firefighter with 20 years or more experience, in the U.S., is $62,888:

http://www.payscale.com/research/US/Job=Fire_Fighter/Salary

So $22.5 million for knocking a piece of cowhide around; $62,888 for saving lives and risking one’s own life doing so, on a regular basis. The latter amount is not even 0.5% of the former.

That stinks.

Lighten up, Army dudes

NC military mom arrives at Fort Benning with kids

Excerpts–

DAVIDSON, N.C. (AP) —A North Carolina woman who was recalled to the Army four years after being honorably discharged drove nearly 400 miles and braved a Southeastern winter storm to report for duty Sunday, with her children by her side….

…Pagan is among thousands of former service members who have left active duty since the Sept. 11 attacks, only to be recalled to service. They’re not in training, they’re not getting a Defense Department salary, but as long as they have time left on their original enlistment contracts, they’re on “individual ready reserve” status — eligible to be recalled at any time.

Pagan filed several appeals, arguing that because her husband travels for business, no one else can take care of her kids. All were rejected, leaving Pagan to choose between deploying to Iraq and abandoning her family, or refusing her orders and potentially facing charges….

…”The Army tries to look at the whole picture and they definitely don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes the family or jeopardizes the children,” O’Donnell  [Army spokesman in St. Louis] said. “At the same time, these are individuals who made obligations and commitments to the country….”

Source

Chill out, you hard-assed groundpounders, says I. You’re making her go through all this shit without any deference to the venerable tradition of motherhood, and even if you should let her off the hook, the fact remains that you screwed with her and her kids, big time. What the fuck is wrong with you? Y’all must have shit for brains. In this case, you and your red tape stink.